Prank Call
by Dawn96
Summary: Apparently most of England's colonies feel like prank calling him.


**AN: Do not own. I got this idea from Himaruya's Christmas 2011 Comic strip where Seychelles said that she and Hong Kong prank called England. So, why not expand it? **

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**Prank**** Call**

He jolted.

Tea sloshed from his cup and spilled all over his pants burning his skin and making him give a high-pitched yelp. He tossed the cup to the ground instinctively and winced from the resounding crash it gave when it blasted on the ceramic.

'_GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS QUEEN! LONG LIVE OUR NOBLE QUEEN! GOD SAVE-"_

He grabbed his phone and didn't bother looking at the caller ID before pressing it against his ear, stifling the annoyance he felt.

"Hello?"

He mentally chastised himself for sounding too forceful- a gentleman should be able to contain himself.

"Hello, is this Arthur Kirkland?"

It was a girl and it definitely rang familiarity in his head.

"Yes, who's speaking?" he glared at the mess on the carpet from his sloshed tea. He should reduce the volume of his ringtone that was for sure if it managed to give him a heart attack and a broken teacup every time it rang.

"This is Sey C. Helles from the TV company Fruit Bat Curry and I wanted to make sure that you plugged in your television correctly."

England blanked. He looked at his large TV that stood at the front of the living room. He bought that a few years ago- probably two- so why on earth were they calling him now? Not that he even remembered which company he had gotten it from but the TV was working fine with him. What really annoyed him was the broken teacup and the spilt tea. What if someone walked in and saw the whole mess?

"My television is plugged in correctly, thanks," he said hastily, "it works fine and I purchased this-"

"Please turn to page eight of your TV manual so we can check on what you have and what you need," said the girl.

"I told you-"

"You need a widescreen with the following resolutions," said the girl stifling a giggle, "1080p, 1080i, 720p, 576p, 480p and a HDMI cable and component or optical audio cable. Do you have the following?"

"My television is fine!" England snapped.

"But if you don't have the following then Fruit Bat Curry company and Co. won't be responsible for any charges of felony, thievery, piracy or Telly-liftery. Thank you for your purchases-"

"Wait, wait!" England said, "I'll get the bloody manual, just wait! Got enough delinquent labels on my plate already and I don't want more…"

He came back to his phone with the whole Television case brought to the living room, the dusty manual in hand and a random wire in the other.

"I have a television set, and a wire and my manual- just like you set."

"You need to connect the audio and video wire to the TV set," said the girl, "did you connect the audio and video wire to the TV set?"

"How am I supposed to know which is which?"

"Because it's written on the label," said the girl, "then you must connect your television to the wireless internet in your house. Please give me your LOL address and the ROFL account so I can forward it to the CNN Network we have in Fruit Bat Curry-"

"What?"

There was a long pause with define scuffling and muttered voices before the girl came back on the line.

"Um… is there a red plug next to your TV set?"

England kneeled by the TV and flicked open a case, finding an assortment of coloured plugs. "There's many colours-"

Suddenly another scuffling ensued and the girl was pushed off the line and another voice came in.

"Hello dude this is Am. Er. Ica calling you from Fruit Bat Curry Company and Co which is in a partnership with CBR, aka, Cheese Burgers Rock, and I'm here to help YOU! AHAHAHA!" the man said. "Here's a survey which you have to do so we can add your prescription to our description!"

England blinked at the phone- what on earth-

"So, where did you hear of Fruit Bat Curry Company and Co? Was it from a magazine? From school? From a World Meeting Conference? Or from a former colony of yours that just wants to prank call you?"

"F-from a magazine I guess-"

"Great!" the man seemed on the verge of laughing and England had no idea what was so funny. What was with this guy's voice? It sounded so much like someone he _should_ know but for some reason, his head couldn't wrap around it.

"Do you prefer your baked beans sautéed or grilled?"

"You don't sauté baked beans!" England snapped.

"So you're a grilled kinda person, huh? I never would've expected! Here, our monthly horoscope magazine says that those who prefer grilled baked beans are meant for a blissful future before a load of hallucinations overtake their lives and throw them in to misery! Are you seeing stuff sir?"

"Are you calling me insane?" England yelled.

"AHAHAHA! Not at all dude! Just asking so we can sign you up with our health insurance company for free health care!"

"What are you talking about?"

The man's voice suddenly sounded serious. "Are you interested in being a proud American citizen?"

Some wire- some moving part in England's head- just clicked and he knew _exactly_ who was on the line with him.

"AMERICA!"

"YEAH! American pride man! Yell it to the world!" cheered the man, laughing his head off. "I'll sign you in for a Green card ASAP!"

* * *

He should've known, stupid America, grumbled England as he sat back down on his sofa with a new cup of tea. He actually believed them as well- and how on earth did he not recognize Seychelles voice as well? Probably because he didn't have his early morning tea, that was why. Lifting the cup to his lips, he slowly felt the steaming tea warm up his fingertips and loosen his chest. Taking in a soothing breath, England finally felt relaxed-

"_GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS QUEEN! LONG LIVE OUR NOBLE-"_

"Oh for the love of-!" he growled.

He spilt some tea on his shirt but at least he didn't throw the teacup at the floor like he did before. Hastily placed the cup on the table he grabbed his phone and glared at the caller ID. It wasn't America, that was for sure, so he tried to compose himself before answering.

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Yes, who's this?" he said annoyed.

"Um… this is Matthew Williams-" suddenly a voice in the back hissed 'No you idiot! You aren't supposed to give him your real name!' before the man returned on the line, "I mean… I'm Canadia… Williams."

Canadia Williams? He definitely knew this man's voice but for some reason he couldn't exactly pinpoint it. It reminded him of that guy with the bear… what was his name…?

"Um… I wanted to check on your order?" the man said timidly.

"What order?"

"You bought six thousand tones of maple syrup and I wanted to tell you that the flight's going to be delayed by a week if you don't mind-"

"Wrong number!" snapped England, ready to shut the phone.

"But, you are Mr Arthur Kirkland, right?" Canadia Williams said hastily.

England felt nothing short of dread fall in the pit of his stomach. "Yes… I am."

"And your address is 18 Mint-Bunny Street, London, right?"

"Yes…"

"And you order six thousand tones of Maple Syrup last Sunday."

Last Sunday? England wracked his brains for what he was doing last Sunday. America came over, that was one. He backed some scones, argued with France, had a meeting with the Queen… England felt a sharp bang on the head. He went to the pub with Prussia and Denmark.

He felt his stomach churn and his worriedly bit his lip. He didn't remember what he did- maybe he actually called this random company when he was drunk!

"Cancel it! Cancel it!" England screamed into phone. "Cancel the order-"

"I'm sorry but I really can't do that-"

"What the hell am I going to do with six thousand tones of maple syrup?"

"Sorry sir but… this is the policy in our company."

"What company?" England fumed, "so I can damn well sue you for taking advantage of people!"

"Um… The Polar Bear Maple Company?"

"Is that so?" England grabbed a notepad from nearby and fished a pen from his pocket, scrawling down the name. "Where's your address?"

"The North Pole?"

England blinked, staring at the phone, "the north pole?"

"Yes."

He rubbed his temples, "is this Canada?"

"You noticed me!" Canada squealed on the other line, "Alfred- he knew it was me!"

"He isn't supposed to know!" America screamed in the background, "that's the point of a prank call- to make fun of him when he doesn't know it's you!"

England slammed the phone shut. He _really_ needed another cup of tea.

* * *

'_GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS QUEEN! LONG LIVE OUR NOBLE QUEEN! GOD SAVE THE QUEEN-'_

"If it's another prank call I swear-"

_BANG! BANG! BANG! CRACK! BANG!_

England winced with each blast of noise before a shuffling took over the phone and a clear voice answered.

"Hello?"

"America? Is that you?" England fumed.

"Like, no," the voice answered. "I wanted to, like, discuss your phonebook with you."

"Look here random caller, my phonebook does not need to be discussed-"

"Carrying phonebooks are so kind of old fashioned. You should get it, like, updated."

"Is that all?" England snapped.

"No. I wanted to talk to you about Parasaurolophus' as well."

England blanched for the third time that day. "Really?"

"Yeah."

A still silence followed where neither of the two talked. England tried to turn his head around the voice… it was quite distinct, heavy English accent with 'like' thrown in and England was sure a tonne of slang would follow if the guy actually spoke up-

Hong Kong.

"Alright," England sighed, "let's talk about dinosaurs since it's a very interesting topic."

"Cool."

"Alright then, what do you know about Parasaurolophus?"

"Not much. I'm not very interested in like, dinosaurs."

"What are you interested in then?"

"Firecrackers."

"I see."

England waited as Hong Kong barely spoke, merely shuffling in the back.

"I'll call you back later," said Hong Kong.

"Please do," England internally groaned, "goodbye."

Shutting the phone and placing it back on the alcove, England sat back down on his sofa, his tea probably lukewarm by now. Great. This must be the third or fourth time he was going to fix himself another cup of tea. He picked the teacup and made his way back to his kitchen, reaching out for the kettle in one of his open drawers. It seemed today was 'prank call your former empire' day, huffed England.

His pirate instincts kicked and a mischievous smile twisted on his lip. He ran back to his living room and grabbed his phone, quickly dialing a number and holding it up to his ear.

"Hola!" a cheery voice answered.

"Hello, is this Antonio Carriedo?"

"Si! Are you calling to buy some paper flowers?"

"No," England replied smoothly, "I'm here to-"

"Estupendo!" exclaimed Spain excitedly, "I'll deliver a bunch to you in no time! How many do you want?"

"Hey-wait, I said I didn't-"

"A hundred? Two hundred? We have one thousand paper roses bundled to a huge shrine! You want?"

"Are you even listening to me-"

"Fantastico!" cheered Spain. "One thousand paper roses coming right at you! Shipping will take a few days but we'll give you a discount for the next bunch of flowers you buy! My boss'll be so excited! Thank you!"

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beeee-eeee-_

England shakily put the phone back on the alcove. It completely backfired. His 'prank call'… backfired. He sat down on the sofa and blinked a few times, trying to process what it was he had done. Great… he was going to buy a bunch of paper flowers… from _Spain_ of all people. Throwing his head back into his hands, he stifled a small sob. All he wanted to do today was have a nice cup of tea- was that too much to ask for?

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**AN: Not really sure about how I wrote this... I feel it's a bit bland. Anyway, review and tell me what you think :)**


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